Jun 12, 2009

In BITS & PIECES .....?

At times, life leaves us on certain turns which never lead to a doorway. They just keep leading from one turn, to another and yet another, and a never ending chase is on....... I have heard people telling it was just meant to be that way, or may be it was just a phase that came and passed away. I completely disagree though! How could something inflicting you so deeply, could just be an incident, a moment that you live and forget or a season that was just completing its cycle? How could this be possible?

The first look that caught your eye; the first word that went unheard but you sensed it, yet; the first touch that felt so special and so yours; the first smile that dwells in your heart till date; the first dream that felt like the best day in your life; the first magic that was cast on you and made you loose your senses; the first time your heart skipped a beat, without you even realizing - Is it merely a co-incidence? How on the earth could you agree to something like this? I believe, there are such moments which never get exhausted in one go, rather keep coming in bits and pieces to us, time and again. May be they don't wish to desert us forever, so they never happen to be with us, every second and every minute. They keep returning to us and yet abandoning us, at the same time ..... may be to keep us longing for more.

I am not so aware of what I am feeling and being through but I'm just so restless that I can just fake a normal breath. My eyes are wandering to catch a glimpse of someone who is not around and may be not even aware of this state of mine. I sooo want to let him know "If he couldn't have made me a part of his existence forever, why did he even come to me? Why did he force this dream onto me which is sooo incomplete? Why does he keep making me feel his presence in bits & pieces, every now and then?" I need him to know and accept, if this is an illusion, don't let it sink into my soul. And, I know its only you who can help it. Let it pass.... If we are not meant to be together, why even bother me with a dream that I can't live and just keep hoping for? Just after you walked in my life, I have started feeling lonely once again. I feel, I need you and I really do!!! May be you understand if it was said this way:

Tukdon tukdon mein mujhse roz milne wale sun,
Agar mukkamal nahi milna, to kyon koi khaab bun,
Tanha tanha huin main,
Mujhe teri zaroorat hai

It seems as if I am living through something, so unsure. Without you, even the idea of this life scares me sooo much. I fail to confide in anything and anyone. As if something is sucking into me, and getting deep down my soul. My heart is gripped and feels so heavy, when I am alone. I don't know which moment I may perish. I am just living in bits and pieces ... .... and dying away, every day at a pace that doesn't even let me realize I am standing so close to my coffin.

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