Dec 8, 2009

Lovely lines from the movie 'A Walk To Remember'

The beautiful lines that Landon reads out to ailing Jamie, from her mother's bible on "Love" goes like this:
Love is patient, Love is kind
Love is not jealous, It doesn't brag and it is not proud
Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily
Love does not remember wrongs done against it
Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things
Most importantly, LOVE NEVER FAILS

I absolutely love these lines and I have watched this scene repeatedly to hear this narration, over and again. I wonder though how many of us, really live with this. Even, I don't think that I have ever practiced 'love like this' in real life but I have definitely experienced it and felt it, so closely that 'being absolutely in Love' has outgrown all my desires and dreams. I have read these lines, end number of times and I have always looked at the meanings, lying underneath. Every time I dig deep into this, I know just for once was there someone around me, who really made me believe in what Jamie's mother had to say about love. I knew of a love who was outwardly patient and inwardly kindest. It was never ever jealous of any thing about me or any one around me. It never had a curt expression on its lips, was barely ever proud, before me at least. Like, I had always been....the spontaneous and short tempered female that I am, I could get on its nerves and shake its peace, any moment, I was unconvinced. Yet, it was never rude, or ever angry on me. It always had himself to blame, to believe that somewhere, he might have gone wrong, or is not being able to deliver what i deserve. It had the endurance to bear all the truth, I had to tell and never gave me a reason to lie, on anything. It had the courage to forgive my wrong doings, more than once. It still had the strongest faith in me, the trust that was unshakeable, and the hope, that lived on. Most essentially, what it taught me was that 'LOVE NEVER FAILS' and if it did, it was never Love. The way it never failed in our case was the memorable lesson it taught me, that it will never fail...the impact always lived on and made me feel its need, it cropped in the desire to be loved so strongly that till date, nothing dares to beat it. Simply, it was the one that taught me 'What love is?' and 'How can I identify one?' It blessed me, in a moment and left a vacuum that none other would occupy, other than the real love.

Nov 9, 2009

The Unexpected Expectations

The moment we defy the expected and the assumed, we cease to hope. And I have always wondered where do we go wrong with hopes? Hopes are raw and fragile beliefs that lay foundations to the actions that follow in, the future that lies ahead of us. Assuming we quit expecting and simply take things as they come, wouldn't we turn out to be seamlessly mechanical enough, to be identified as humans? Humans by nature, have evolved their senses to be able to perceive, and make judgements based of their perceptions. What is it then, that stops us from hoping and expecting? Probably, what could be the worst outcome of expecting is that our expectations don't turn up, as we thought of them. What follows is a li'l bit of disappointment, misery and pain but should that restrict us from believing? How on earth could we build a tomorrow without dreaming, expecting and hoping? The naked truth about "Expectations" is that they are not forced on us, nor do we choose to expect.... their existence is unconditional and it's there like everything else that exists. The point is that "Expectations" are unexpected and they co-exist with humans. Like we can't afford to cease breathing in, we can't stop expecting. Though, what we can still be accountable for is learning from our expectations, their failures and expecting reasonably, from whatsoever and whomsoever, only after we have examined and analyzed the underlying potential in a task or a person.

Nov 2, 2009

The Road less Travelled

I stopped by the passage of time and looking back, I started wondering where did I start, how did I got in here? Where all had I been, while I had been on the way? Was it actually the road, that I wanted to travel or the most retorted one? The less travelled ......oops, I meant the road less travelled. Now that I had set out on this journey, I was wondering where and how far? Just so many questions, kept sinking in and eluding me, day in and out. Somehow, amidst all this upheaval, I was still trying to figure out, if I could be at peace with my inner self even if everything outside is so superficial and distorted. And the only explanation that kept rebounding was, the 'Soul' as by its very make, loves only the deep and the beautiful things, around. It seeks a meaning, to everything happening, everything said and done, everything noticed or expressed, everything that eloped, everything eroded and conserved. Thats why we have often heard people telling that the most intact thing that we as human beings could preserve is our only 'soul'. The one that defies death and birth, and exists beyond it. So, the next thought that I got pre-occupied was, if my soul is contended with what it has been through and what's still lying ahead of it. Somewhere, I had read about a sickness called the 'Sleeping sickness that infects the soul' and I was wondering, if I am infected by one or are there chances, that I am prone to one? I thought, I would sit and go in for a self examination of my soul because, it was something more than vital, to my existence as a part of this universe. This diseased soul state is somehow, a very dangerous illness since, it usually goes unnoticed at the early stages and we keep ignoring, till it has got into the bones and entrapped your soul such that no way seems out. And the only preventive action I have heard of against this disease, is the only realization that the 'Soul' suffers and suffers greatly when we force it to live superficially. When, we are accepting what is not at all acceptable to us. Why do we then ridicule our soul so terribly, to be in a state of pain? But of course, choosing is perhaps the most difficult task, a human being could be put to.

Such was the case, when I was trying to find answers and keep moving on the road less travelled, the road often condemned by many, the road that defies society and its great influence on our lives. I wondered at many instances why could we not, just let our souls, make decisions and choices for us... more so because, at least we will know for sure, we can bear the burnt of it, if it goes wrong and love its fruits too, if it happens as planned. As I kept traveling, I came across faces, I came across beliefs, I learnt about more social dogmas, rituals and way of lives. I was made to believe occasionally that I am completely insane because I have chosen something grossly incompetent and unrealistic. Be it about the people I worked with, I lived with, I travelled across, I shared laughters and sorrows with, or be it the dreams in the making, the dreams I wish to nourish, the little expectations I had out of life, the decisions made and abducted, the abandoned promises and so much more. But every experience I had, I was thinking now on 'Whether it was a blessing for the soul' or 'A burden, I am condemned to be with'. The time was moving at a faster pace and I was still stuck, at the crossroads questioning the basics. May be because, my soul has been so much at unrest and eroded by the many experiences, I have had.

But somehow, I had lately realized, these assumptions were not taking me anywhere. I had to stand for what I believe in and what I had always wanted and aspired for, in personal or professional set ups. I had to let my 'Soul' breathe, I had to allow it some justice so that I do not, end up getting into a gruesome act of murdering my own 'soul'. My most precious thing, my best companion, and my soul mate, which no matter what, was always there to hear me out patiently when no one else would. It was the one that imbibed in me values like integrity and perseverance that have been with me and probably, will be there no matter how far I have travelled or stopped and even when, my knees would have started weakening and my heart would start beating much faster, with a little physical effort that I would have to put in. I had started realizing that this less travelled road was the distance between my external environment and my inner self. The distance between the realization and the acceptance of the truth. I had to but value my 'soul' for what I am and how I survived so far with small conversations, deep within myself. At least, I am experiencing a bit of peace now that I have walked a little further and decided which road to take, the road that takes me to external nuances or the one, that unites me with no one, other than my own soul....that which is the most truthful to me, the soul that never conspires with the external delicacies and fantasies. the soul that values the immortal more than the mortal world. The soul that never departs and keeps in conversation with you, at every step you have taken to your less-travelled-road. I am on my road, and am absolutely at peace with myself because I know, whatever I will do from now on has to be absolutely in sync to the promises I have with my soul. I have yet not set a benchmark or decided where to get to, but I will be fair to myself. I will allow risks and take chances and someday, the road I have set on with my journey, would culminate into the righteous and the best for my inner self, my absolute 'soul'. I wish myself 'Luck' & 'Success' :))

Oct 3, 2009

Before it took me by surprise???

When dead can see, why can't those alive?
When 'Invisible' can perceive, why can't eyes?
When distance can communicate, why can't closer-bys?
When love never dies, why do we say goodbyes?
And when we are chasing it the most, the time just flies
The moment, everything is devastated, we look up to the skies
And what you have always seen as the truth, was the biggest ever told lie
We can hate, we can love, we can cry but we gotta keep trying
And we sing our songs, till the tears dry
We just keep struggling to survive, till the soul inside us, dies
Why couldn't I know it, before it took me by surprise?

Sep 24, 2009

How It Never Occurred To Me?

How it never occurred to me that it was half past eight?
Though it always seemed to me that you are getting all delayed
I wonder why couldn't I see it then in your eyes
And how I couldn't look beyond those surprises
Its just so deafening and visibly louder now
That I had been so burnt and bitter to you
I sought respite in my own premise
And kept telling myself, I am out of disguise
I have romanced the pleasures and ditched the pains
But I am still hanging around and the fact remains

I cant call it the bliss, that I have been searching for
And I am yearning for the truth, like a sophomore
The pangs of my dreams, never seem to satiate me
Yet, I am perching in the woods of an uncalled destiny
I hold no grudges, I have no complaints
Yet I cant foster a living, with any restraints
I need my wings, to dream and to fly
And to scream out loud, I have a lot to live before I die.....
And I have come so far, leaving so much behind
That even if I wish to look at it, I can never rewind
I would still say, how I never thought of it before?
You, me and all of this and then, so much more......

Sep 16, 2009

Seperation (Judai)

Tanhaai ka ilma hai tumko bhi to,
Gham-e-Ishq mohabbat ke na poocho

Judaai ki hasrat, nahi karta koi sahib,
Rothe hain, tadapte hain, wo jo ishq kartey hain

Wo ek raat judaai ki, jab chandni ki roshani bhi saath nahi deti
Ek muddat ke baad yaar ka deedar ho to, aur koi dhun sunai nahi deti

Har pal ki judaai, tamaam umra pe bhari hai
Tujhse door saanse lena, meri kaisi laachari hai

Muskuratey hain kabhi, to ye jamaana kai naam de deta hai
Us sakhsa se poocho to sahi, jisne umra ruswaiyon mein guzaari hai

Hum teri chahat ke maarey hain,
Arson se tujhpe ye dil haarein hain
Ek baazi mohabbat ki humne bhi to haari hai

Ek intezaar hai, to us itefaaq ka
Jab tujhse ru ba ru ho sakengey
Hosh mein na gawaara ho ye manzar
To khwabon se hi basar kiya karengey

Aug 31, 2009

My Angel Is Gone....

Most fondly remembered as 'Dadi' by all the kids and servants at home and 'Daroga ji ki Bahu' by the relatives and friends at and around her place, in Varanasi. She was pretty, versatile and just as awesome, a human being. She was my Grandmother, my beautiful and angelic 'dadi'. Without ever preaching, yelling and questioning, she taught me a lot about life. She made me the person, I am today. It was looking at her that I outgrew boundaries and faiths like religion, caste, creed, masters and servants or even animals for that matter. She showed me the way to love, to love God, our fellow beings and even the pets and strays, around. She just had sooo much to give away, without expecting a bit in return. So pure, so vulnerable and so compassionate her love was that no human, could ever fill in the vacuum, her absence has created today. And to top it all, she had the endurance to take it all and still, keep loving. Occasionally, I would be shocked to look at her and believe, she is only a human like us and dwells, on the same land that we do. Does she really belong in here?

She had something about her presence that would beckon men, kids and women from our neighborhood, to come and see her and listen her, talk. Every word she spoke was so human like yet so compelling to allow you to relate to this world, its nuances and fluctuations. There was always an aura around her which depicted a God like form, engraved in a human body. Standing tall at 5'8'' with a beautifully, stunning skin, long tresses and that elegance with which she used to carry herself, she could steal hearts at any age. Kids and elderly would love to hang around her, alike. Her simplicity, eloquence and phenomenal love for mankind, made her a favorite of all. She could sit and narrate, endless stories of the era when my forefathers would struggle for independence and that too, so beautifully that none of her stories would allow me to detest the British rule that was forced onto us. Her love was so selfless and so pure, to evaluate persona's based of origin, profession, or behavior. She just believed in loving, without any strings attached....such was her soul. The beauty of a lady like her, is so deep seated that ages would pass but her fond memories would always dwell, deep within.

'Krishna', as she was named by her parents....she was actually an epitome of generosity, love, wisdom, purity, benevolence, elegance, humanity, endurance and selflessness. She would always try hard to tie in people together, remove any differences that would ever crop up and make everyone believe in the abundance of love and oneness. She was just one person, no one could escape loving and adoring, completely. Such was her beauty.... and, I know like an angel, she will always keep dwelling in our hearts and loving us with even more intensity. I will yet miss all that we shared with each other. Eating together, chatting forever and then, going to bed together. The stories of her childhood, her youth, her pre and post nuptial experiences and her gradual aging. With all this, comes the endless stories she narrated, the grooming tips she shared with me, her selfless love and the care, she would confer in times of pain and the beliefs she inculcated in me, so effortlessly.

Like an angel, I see her around and I am now glad, she has finally united with the Almighty, the God....she was so very resembling to. I love you dadi... and I'll miss you badly, every moment when I have things I could only share with you and especially, when I'm looking at someone to oil my hair. You were and would always be sooo adorable, like a soul mate to me. Rest in peace and keep you always did.

Aug 20, 2009

He asked what does "Special" mean?

Do you really don't know what does special mean?
Have you never read about the king and the queen?

Probably, you lack the vision to look beyond their riches
You tend to ignore, the truth underlying these glitches

The unshakable faith, a person can offer you
The love and the concern that's always through

All the unspoken words that you just don't care to listen
The Hearts & Souls, which to you, have always been alien

The gesture and glimpse that comes by and goes
And you are still wanting to look at your friends & foes

The nights when you are swept away by the thoughts of everyone
But the only person who is watching over, and is yet not in...

The lilacs, the peaches, the pinks and the hues
That captivate you sooo that you ignore my blues

The numerous damsels that you keep searching for
And look back at me, when they don't treat you similar

The ignorance and oblivion that you confer on me
And when you need what you seek, you reach out to me

Every day and night, you have to make the choice
And you expect me to follow in, without raising my voice

The voice that never reaches your auricle
And when it does, you drop it to a circle

How long back have I told ya, I always needed a partner..
Not in bed or parties, but one who spots me in every corner

Someone, who dreams of a life, a life with 'ME'
Not the life with just any girl, whosoever it be...

I don't want to be a dish or just any meal
I am a human and I need to feel my appeal

I need it real, in bone and flesh
Not just surreal that seems obsessed

I need to know this and be sure of, my stand
I can't be the doormat, you can wipe off & land

I see myself, being the primary and important,
The way I see you, always apparent and abundant

Do you visualize me, doing a specific function? Has it got any scope?
Or you see me only, as a mother to your kids? Is that the only other hope?

Would you let me, have the slightest idea, of what I'm in for?
Would it be the warmth of your love or would it all end in clamor?

You need to realize, I can't go on forever, like this...
You can't leave me in troubled waters and go out, to fish....

And stop putting me to your driver, your friends, the servants and your cash
Or else, I shouldn't mind getting along with them, yet better than your trash

Oh, let me tell you...I need to sneak out of this
This is not my destiny cuz I'm in search of bliss

But before, I leave, I have a short tale for you
Just hear me out for once and you'll know the truth

The tale of a guy who was sooo crazy in love
That he would wake up every morning, and look above
To thank the god, for the love of his life
His soul mate, his pride, his life, his wife
His world would start and end on this girl
He couldn't look beyond & would keep her, like a pearl
He could sense her agony, he could sense her pain
He could connect with her emotionally & ascertain
He would be there, the moment she thought of or needed him
He could fly down any day, even when her hope was as thin
He would take her by surprises and wait for her, every bit
His sad face would brighten up and his eyes would lit
He would stand by her, without being asked for
He would adore her, befriend her and walk along
He couldn't dream of ever, taking her for a ride
Not that she was the master, yet he would always abide
He was not a prince, neither a dream
He was as true and alive, up-til brim

Love is when you can do everything together,
And you know no one can do it better than you two

Is Beauty really skin deeep?

I know most would answer the question with a crisp 'YES' but when it comes to really identifying the most beautiful, its always on the skin. We look at the peaches and roses complexion, the oh-so-vow fairer skin or the flawless bronzed beauty, or may be yet the dusky damsel. Have we ever dared to remove these superficial epidermal layers, and look at something further beneath and deep within? I wonder, why don't we have the nerves to unmask the real beauty.

The dilemma that we are dealing with here is, 'If beauty is really skin deep, why do we tend to get so superficial'? and the answer is yet not known to most of us. Better said than done, is what most of us believe in and live with. It has always been easier to compliment someone on the looks than on the personality as a whole. I can hardly recall encounters when someone has really bothered to compliment me for my thoughts, my feelings, my heart and my soul until recently. Yet the fact remains, out of the 1000 compliments you receive everyday, most tend to start and end on your skin, from your eyes to your smile, your complexion, may be your skin tone, your facial features, your cheekbones, your hair, your sense of style or the fabric you are adorned with. Are we really talking about the ideal beauty? The beauty that could inspire to create and procreate, and not degenerate and dissipate.

Beauty in real sense should be an experience, rather than the mere perception which is more often than not, fake and ephemeral. The real beauty should be meaningful and sustainable which is only realistic, if its skin deep. A radiant heart clings to you, even though the skin tone might be, a bit on the dull side. Likewise, your soul mate recognizes you by mere emotional vibes and feelings that keep brimming but are rarely expressed. That's the ideal beauty that always seeks its true compatriot and gets seated, in its soul forever. After reading Brida, I really got to the state where the way this world defines beauty sounds so vague and commercialized. It lets you connect with people and persona's on an emotional and behavioral level, instead of the outer cover, the sheath that is not so permanent and rather cosmetic. It enables you to connect perennially with people around, through thoughts, beliefs, expressions, reasons and virtues. You love someone's company because you can sense your own reflection in him/her or else, every word they speak makes complete sense to you and stirs your heart and soul. It just takes you to a different world, on an emotional or spiritual high without ecstasy, cocaine or marijuana. That's the real beauty, the beauty of thoughts, the beauty of expressions, the beauty of emotions and simplicity.The beauty that lingers on..............

'Cinderella' was beautiful not because she lived in a fairytale, but because her soul was as illuminated in spite of all the atrocities she had been subjected to by her step sisters and her wicked step mother. Her heart still had the warmth that could charm the prince and captivate him, forever. Likewise, 'Rapunzel' who in her loneliness could be as melodious to capture a passer by's attention and make him come, back and again, just to be able to catch a glimpse of the owner of this beautiful voice that kept haunting him. Or for that matter, 'Snow White' who lay poisoned and dead in a glass coffin for days till her prince discovered her and could be as radiant as any living princess.

The real beauty would always prevail, since it lies deep within and as such is never maligned and soiled, by external agents. Its pure, its real and would always continue to be skin deep. Qualities like kindness, sensitivity, tenderness, compassion, creativity and intelligence have been desirable, since antiquity and they would always be for real people who visualize beauty as a continuous phenomenon. Real beauty sparkles with all its luminosity, with all its truth and brings upon the beholder, the real charm that aging can't fade, nor cosmetology can rejuvenate. Lets pledge to be beautiful, skin deep and soul wide!!!

Aug 5, 2009

While you're away..............

The night is damp and I'm feeling the cramps
The cramps of distance, separation and loneliness
I look up at the sky and the countless stars
And I wonder, if you are there hiding away on 'Mars'?

The crimson clouds that hailed this evening
Have lately turned all dark and saddening
And for a while, I am questioning -
Where is my charmer?
Where is my calmer?
Where is that season?
Where are the reasons?

Aaah....I have waited for long
With my heartbeats, bit prolonged
And I am singing the parting song
Oh...come back or take me along

I keep trying to sketch your face
Hoping, I'll get to feel your embrace
But the markers, don't let me get it right
The tears keep rolling and wipe it, outright
And I see you, just getting out of my sight
My love, can you also feel my plight, tonight?

I can't reach you this moment,
No matter how much I miss....
The sun has set for good and
And I crave for a bit of bliss
To hold onto until tomorrow,
And live on the same hope again...
The hope of reaching out to you
Before my summer gets cold and
The winters refuse to unfold.

Jul 31, 2009


Ye zillat, ye furqat, ye gurbat, ye tauhmat
Ye jurrat ka ehsaas aur woh har ek alfaaz...
Aur tumhara saath nahin,
Har raat ek ye baat nahin,
Ab aur khamoshi ki jubaan nahin
Aur ye yakeen ke intehaan nahin

Bas main aur mera dil hi sahi,
Har roz, ab aur besabra nahin...
Kahin sukoon se basar to kar lenge
Humsafar, shayad aur bhi milengey

Har pal mein kabhi talash, kabhi aas, aur ek pyaas mili....
Ek umra si nikal gayi ho mano, aur ab bhi hain haalat wahi

Aur kitne sitam sahoon, ki aur aadat nahin
Mujhe ishq ka aasra tha, par ab aur himmat nahin
Mera kaafila, ek shama bhi roshan kar legi
Tere chiraag se jalne ki, aur aarzoo nahin

Main tanha hi aayi thi, ye safar bhi tanha hi teh kar loongi
Deedar pe purdah hai, is kafan ko naqaab samajh ke pehen loongi
Mere saath saath, meri rooh bhi shayad, ab ghaayal ho chuki hai....
Ik shiddat se koshish thi jis chahat ki, ab usse bhi nafrat ho chuki hai

Shayad ibaadat ka farmaan tha, wo tera mujhe jo, har ehsaan tha
Uska janaaza uthaye hoon, bas tujhse ruksat ka aakhiri armaan tha

Jul 23, 2009

Main tujhse mohabbat kar sakoon......

Jab yun haalaat hain, tum saath hokey bhi saath nahin
Yaadon mein beshumaari hai, par lab pe wo alfaaz nahin
Kab tak yun hi ye haal-e-dil chupaya karein,
Yun dartey hain tumko khone se, ki ye raaz bhi na jataaya karein
Ab bhi yehi kehti hoon, main tujhse nahi ....apne se mohabbat karti hoon
Kabhi gaur se doob ke to dekh, meri aankhon mein nasha hai, tere khwabon jaisa....
Main tujhse ishq, beshumaar, bepanaah aur be-intehaan karti hoon....
Is se pehle ye sabra ka baandh toot jaaye, aur main tujhse ya tu mujhse rooth jaaye
Kuch aisa karte hain, ye tamaan umra isee lamhe mein simat jaaye...
Tu mera khuda ho aur main teri ibaadat kar sakoon....
Main sirf tujhse, aur tujhse hi mohabbbat kar sakoon....

Jul 6, 2009

Kaisa lagta hai???

Uski aankhon mein, khud ko dhoondh ke bhi, kabhi naa paana kaisa lagta hai...

Jo apni takdeer se kahin door hai, use apna khuda banana kaisa lagta hai...

Umra kat gayi hai saari intezaar mein, phir bhi uske deedar ko tadapte hi jaana kaisa lagta hai

Ye jaante huye bhi vo bewafaa hai, us se wafaai ki umeed karte jaana kaisa lagta hai....

Wo beparvaah hai mujhse, ye jaanke bhi uski parvaah mein jeena kaisa lagta hai ....

Aankhein to nam hain ek arsey se, phir bhi yun hi muskuraate jaana kaisa lagta hai

Apne sanam ko, ghairon ke khwaaish me dekhtey jaana kaisa lagta hai

Usko to humein bhulaye zamaane ho gaye, aaj bhi use yaad karte jaana kaisa lagta hai....

Ek kaafir ko ghar mein laana, uske saath zindagi ke sapne sajaana kaisa lagta hai....

Jul 2, 2009

Just those doubts......

Yet another day rolls in and wraps out,
I'm living day in & out, with my usual doubts

Doubts about a dream thats on the verge of being a reality or a myth
Doubts about surprises which make me hold my breath & sink with it
Doubts about the society with no room for insurgency or plight

Doubts about a heaven that seldom cares to hail on earth
Doubts about the caged birds that are yearning to fly and perch

Doubts about the rising sun and the waning moon
Doubts about a day dreamer under the bright noon
Doubts about the survival and existence of species
Doubts about the miracles and superstitions which creep in

Doubts about the angles and demons who appear only in dreams
Doubts about a beer drinker who sips, his glass filled to the brim

Doubts about the ancient sagas and the heroes who existed
Doubts about the kingdoms, the kings, queens and the princess
Doubts about another dawn, another day and another night
Doubts about believing or ignoring what comes to my sight

Doubts about the memories from the past & life in present
Doubts about that great God, they claim is 'Omnipresent'

Doubts about the pouring rain
Doubts about the loss & gain

Doubts about peace and happiness
Doubts surrounding the crystal mazes

Doubts about the presence of spirits and ghosts
Doubts about loosing someone, we love the most

Doubts about a life after death
Doubts about a breath that follows this breath

Doubts about the love that never was
Doubts about the marriage rituals & laws
Doubts about the truth that was seldom told
Doubts about the facts that gradually unfold

Doubts about you and me
Doubts, that never seem to be..........

Jun 24, 2009

Bas aur nahin ..... .

Ek raah wo thi, jo tum tak jaati thi,
Ek raah ye hai, jo tumse aati hai....

Bas aur sabra, aur intezaar nahi hota
Ye pehle jaan leti, to shayad pyar nahi hota

Tera raasta dekhtey dekhtey, shayad umra hi kat jaaayegi
Aur jab hosh aayega, to ye zindagi door nazar aayegi

Munasib nahi aur itefaaq shayad,
Ye baat aur woh baat shayad....

Ab tujh pe aur yakeen nahin, aur tere liye ab ye nami nahi
Naa tujhe hai meri zaroorat, aur ab mujhe bhi teri kami nahi

Aaj bas ye musafir, aur rukta nahin,
Aur yahaan, wo manzilein bhi dikhti nahi....

Kyunki faasley jo darmayaan they, wo badhtey gaye,
Aur shayad hum jaane-anjaane hi, par bichadtey gaye,

Aur ab judaa hai raastey, aur nayi hai ye raahein...
Jinme chupaya tha kabhi tujhe, ab woh khuli hai baahein.......

Jun 23, 2009

To My Shore......

It was drizzling outside, or oops.......may be inside. I was wondering where does it all end? It all seemed never ending and so deceptive, that I just felt like breaking out of it. Not sure, what to do....I was allowing the thought to sink in me, I was just awaiting the dawn break, wishing the night fades away soon. It was just making me feel terrible, so I just decided to let the ink dry until my head gets some rest and calmed out.

Why is world so mysterious? All this while, I had been hearing people say, I am so mysterious myself. I just wish I could find answers to so many questions, that keep buzzing me and a solution to this. I couldn't go on like this anymore. I was really tired and petrified by all this. My head grew heavy and my sight was dim. I badly needed solace, just didn't know how to get there......

I was not enjoying mysteries anymore. What was wrong with me? May be I was in the wrong place or may be, at the wrong time. I really needed to feel earth, beneath my feet. It was all so vocal yet violating and defying, my perceptions. I felt so vacant inside that I was wanting the universe, to fill the depth inside me to the core, leaving no place for anything else to creep in. The roads as always seem less travelled, though I had come far enough. I just realized some spaces can never be occupied because they are meant to be open and without boundaries.

The dust seems to be settling now,
But the darkness is sooo damp.....
The dry leaves are ruffling now,
And it seems, there are cramps,,,,,
The roads are widening but the crowd is still bustling
The universe is expanding but my heart seems to be crippling
I have just walked to the bay, and now the beaches are beckoning me
Like, I would be engulfed any moment and soaked to the core
I am longing for a fresh breeze, to twirl around me from head to toe
And take me aloof and away from this, to my only shore....

Jun 19, 2009

The Evening with the Woods ...............

I had to get out of house, but there was nowhere that I wanted to go, that didn’t involve a week’s vacation. I finally pulled on my hand bag, threw in my thingy’s, called up some friends to check if they are interested, but none were really as crazy as I am. However, in my mind I was still unclear on where I was headed. I just shrugged into my clothes and stomped the door. It was overcast, but not raining outside. It didn’t take long enough before I had hit the road and the roads to my house, got almost invisible. All I could hear around me was the squish sound of the calm evening, some youngsters giggling and the sudden cries of the jays.

There was a thin ribbon of trail that led through the dark forests, here or else I wouldn’t have risked wandering here, at this hour of the evening. My sense of direction was hopeless. I could get lost any moment but thanks to my accomplices, ‘my sixth sense’. The trail wounded deeper into the darker woods as if it were a large python wrapping itself around the eucalyptus, hemlocks and the yews. I only vaguely knew the flora & fauna around me. There were many I didn’t know, and others I couldn’t be sure about because it was getting darker outside. As my lost self started to ebb, I started getting more alive. I was more in terms with the surroundings and the roads, the conversations, the movements and the darkness that captivated. A recently fallen tree provided me a little sheltered bench, in those dark woods. I knew it was recent because it was yet not completely carpeted with dust, grass and the silt, lying beneath me. I leaned my head back against a living tree and rested, for a while. This was the wrong place to have come. I should have known, but where else was there to go? The forest was spotted with arid and some green flora. Now that there was no more the sound of my lousy footsteps, the silence surrounding me was piercing. By now, the birds had stopped chirping. The trees and ferns stood higher than my head, as if I was enshrined by the forest lane. Here in the trees, it was much easier to relate to the absurdities that embarrassed me indoors.

Somehow, I forced myself to focus on two vital questions that had got me restless, over the last few months. I had to answer, but I did so unwillingly. First question was to decide, if what I was experiencing was really possible? And my head & heart together, responded with a resounding positive. It was though silly & morbid to ignore such strong notions. But, what then? I asked myself. There was no radical explanation for what I was being through at this moment. I listened again in my head for the things I had felt and experienced: the calm and composure, the impossible speed at which things happened, the memories that stretched far enough, those piercing eyes and far more....... Small things started registering slowly in my head , those unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit a 80s century novel or cinema than that of a 21st century conversation……… the sudden utterance of some phrases which otherwise, mean a lot more …....... (to be contd.)

Jun 17, 2009

Who is more pervert : Shiney or the 'Media' bandwagon?

The news came as a shock to me, when it was being flashed on some news channel, the night before. The guilty is yet to be decided but as always media, is actively pursuing the cause, and adding its own quotes, opinions and thoughts to the 'Rape case' charged against the Bollywood actor 'Shiney Ahuja'. Having been with the media industry for more than 2 years now, at times I really wonder what is the real role of media?
- Is it to malign someone's image, simply to capture more eyeballs onto their news snippets?
- Is it to educate the society at large, about the facts and incidents?
- Or even further, to persuade the social set up to form a biased opinion, without having the facts and figures before them?

Take for instance, the Shiney Ahuja case.. The media has not left a stone unturned to tarnish his image, devastate his career, ruin his family life and add to the bruises. Is media not supposed to play a more pivotal role in building families and constructing societies? Why is media so biased towards the statements, made by the cops, at the Oshiwara police station? Without the charge sheet being filed, how can media act so irresponsibly and go on babbling the facts, which are not yet proved, in the court of justice?

Being a feminist to the core, I would any day condemn such heinous acts of violence and immodesty towards women. But somehow, thinking through the origin of the case, it really is difficult to hold Shiney guilty of this vociferous crime. I am somehow forced to think and relate the committal of crime to a man's psychology. What are the personality types that would resort to such ghastly acts of offense? Even the most pervert guy, won't take to something like this especially when he is working with and for all the limelight? Why would a celebrity of his caliber commit such an outrageous act, to demean himself and his family when there are better options available, if the need be. Be it under the influence of alcohol or ecstasy, a shy and reserved person (as he is known to be) can never be expected to enact something as wicked and flagitious as "Rape". The most nut headed human being can't be expected to switch over to such frequencies of maligned psychological behavior. With cultures that have opened across boundaries and accepted practices of the west, strongest sexual orientation is treated as something very normal to human co-existence. Moreover, the personality in question is also not so thick skinned, nor sexually or physically ridiculed that he would have to lay his maid to bed, to satisfy his sexual urges. What on this earth could stop a settled, good looking and a character of such calm and poise, to have consensual intercourse with a still better partner? When its just about an intercourse, why would a happily married, reserved, mature, glamor shy and dedicated actor risk his entire career and image, with such an atrocious act of forced self-indulgence? In black and blue, this appears completely baseless and as lame a charge, if traced and looked over from the origin of such criminal behavior.

As far as medical evidences are concerned, what testifies if the investigators, the examiners and the prosecutors in question, are not all biased or influenced enough under cash, kinds or some material gains? Moreover, I read some posters quoting as "If all this is framed and Shiney is innocent, is it the domestic help who forcibly caused her pain and injuries on her private parts and injected the semen and what not?" 'Why not'? Why isn't it possible? These are all possible means to frame a man on grounds of sexual misconduct and rape, so why can't the blackmailer go to the extent of forcing strong evidences onto her, as well. Putting it simply, why on earth would a 10 year happily married man, a father of a one and a half yr old daughter, a well established, socially responsible, introvert and smart actor get down to something so cheap and ridiculous, as committing rape on his domestic maid? To me, its the most absurd crime I could have even thought of coming across.

Irrespective, of what the quotes are, I would plead the media to act more intelligently and dwell into the facts before flagging off such offensive and demeaning comments on any respected socialite. Media needs to put itself back into the role of educating the masses with truth, instead of quotations, thoughts and biased opinions from everyone except the real eye-witnesses. Unless, they have the court's verdict and the final judgment on the crime, its committal and the criminal, they should abet from creating buzz around such lame news pieces, just to sell more copies and add to their readership pie.

Let us hope for justice to be meted out, in the court of law!!!

Jun 12, 2009

In BITS & PIECES .....?

At times, life leaves us on certain turns which never lead to a doorway. They just keep leading from one turn, to another and yet another, and a never ending chase is on....... I have heard people telling it was just meant to be that way, or may be it was just a phase that came and passed away. I completely disagree though! How could something inflicting you so deeply, could just be an incident, a moment that you live and forget or a season that was just completing its cycle? How could this be possible?

The first look that caught your eye; the first word that went unheard but you sensed it, yet; the first touch that felt so special and so yours; the first smile that dwells in your heart till date; the first dream that felt like the best day in your life; the first magic that was cast on you and made you loose your senses; the first time your heart skipped a beat, without you even realizing - Is it merely a co-incidence? How on the earth could you agree to something like this? I believe, there are such moments which never get exhausted in one go, rather keep coming in bits and pieces to us, time and again. May be they don't wish to desert us forever, so they never happen to be with us, every second and every minute. They keep returning to us and yet abandoning us, at the same time ..... may be to keep us longing for more.

I am not so aware of what I am feeling and being through but I'm just so restless that I can just fake a normal breath. My eyes are wandering to catch a glimpse of someone who is not around and may be not even aware of this state of mine. I sooo want to let him know "If he couldn't have made me a part of his existence forever, why did he even come to me? Why did he force this dream onto me which is sooo incomplete? Why does he keep making me feel his presence in bits & pieces, every now and then?" I need him to know and accept, if this is an illusion, don't let it sink into my soul. And, I know its only you who can help it. Let it pass.... If we are not meant to be together, why even bother me with a dream that I can't live and just keep hoping for? Just after you walked in my life, I have started feeling lonely once again. I feel, I need you and I really do!!! May be you understand if it was said this way:

Tukdon tukdon mein mujhse roz milne wale sun,
Agar mukkamal nahi milna, to kyon koi khaab bun,
Tanha tanha huin main,
Mujhe teri zaroorat hai

It seems as if I am living through something, so unsure. Without you, even the idea of this life scares me sooo much. I fail to confide in anything and anyone. As if something is sucking into me, and getting deep down my soul. My heart is gripped and feels so heavy, when I am alone. I don't know which moment I may perish. I am just living in bits and pieces ... .... and dying away, every day at a pace that doesn't even let me realize I am standing so close to my coffin.

Jun 9, 2009

And the world slows down... ...

Why does everything come to a standstill, when you are ailing? Why does the world, seems to be moving even faster, when you have slowed down a bit? Seems like, those few hours or days, have taken a toll on your life.... and that you'll miss a lot all this while. May be, it's because our soul and body are so strongly interconnected that when the soul is sad, the body crumbles down and when the body is ailing, the soul falls apart.

But then, do we believe in the existence of souls and spirits? Have you seen one, around? I wonder really, if any of us would have seen them with naked eyes. Though, I won't completely deny the fact that some of us, would have surely felt those qualms of sudden sickness, misery and pain or may be their inexplicable presence and sudden appearances in the dark woods. There is however, no scientific evidence that could associate to the soul's presence. How come then, have I felt that way? Why does this world slow down and the time pieces freeze, when my soul seems to be well fed and deeply contended. May be, it's just a state of euphoria that captures my heart, transits to my soul and invades my body or may be my hyper-imaginative mind, lost in the colorful realms of my dreams.

Whatever it is, it does prove a point that there is something that couldn't be touched, something we can't have our eyes on, something that we can just long to seek and capture forever but all we can barely do about it, is feel its presence and relate to it. Our bodies confide in our souls and vice-versa. I wonder if they have ever existed alone and if they have, I know for sure, this world would have slowed down ... as if it was standing on a porch and mourning the demise of its beloved!!!

Jun 5, 2009

Kuch Yaadein.....

Wo yaadein de kar, mere wajood me utar kar
Yun hi door, bahut door, jaa baithey hain
Apni haalat ki khud hi khabar nai rahi mujhko....
Aur logon se suna, main khoyi si rehti hoon....
Teri bas ek nazar, wo sau sawaal de gayi
Har pal jo rehta hai, aisa khyal de gayi hai
Main doob hi rahi thi, ki samandar hi theher gaya
Is se pehle ki sambhalti, wo aankhon mein utar gaya
Aur ab magroor hai ye aankhien, kyunki inme khwab tumhara hai
Par mazboor hai ye dil, ye bezuban bechara hai....
Kash ki tum, baawaqt isey samajh sako...
Warna to ye janaja bhi aawara hai.....

May 26, 2009

I'm Missing You [& I don't know what to do]

“When I first saw you, I was afraid to meet you ... ...
And when I met you, I was afraid to kiss you...
And then when I kissed you, I was afraid to love you...
But now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you.”

A stranger you were once, but then with a gentle look, you took my hand. I know, you are not a liar but you lied, you're scared. And now, your eyes keep haunting me, wherever I go. I feel lost and restless, miserable and gross. It has become so intense that I had to stop and think. Why are relationships so plagued? Why cant we just allow the hearts to rule and follow, whatever may come and see no boundaries? I can feel the turmoil, every bit, every second and every minute. I am no longer in control of my emotions and I don’t know which way to turn. The faster my legs go, the less distance I seem to travel... ... I know, all of this is so ridiculous but somehow, it makes me realize, I'm missing something. I'm missing you. I wanted so much to stop, and just be a girl. Follow my heart, run away with you and sing it loud, 'Oh, I love you so... and I can't let you go'

Scarcely do I know, my role play in your life but I do wish, I could be someone to you. I don't know if you would agree to this, but it's said 'If you have to pause and think, whether you love someone or not, the answer is certainly 'NO' because when you love someone, you just know. And my heart says 'Yes', but the head says 'No'. I wonder, why could it not have been simpler, like its in the fairy tales..... and so, "You be the Prince and I'll be the Princess. It's a Love Story, Baby, just say 'Yes'...."

And now that I have felt it, lived it and missed you, I just need you to know 'Yes I love you. I have felt for you strongly and I have missed you too. And there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to you forever.' But I know it's not for the best... So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let you go, so you can know just how much I love you. Maybe if I'm lucky, you'll find your way to me, but if not, I can make it through this. And I do believe, we never loose by loving but just, by holding back... so, I had to let it out to you. You're no longer a stranger......

Apr 27, 2009

~ The Man & Woman Dialects ~

The Man's Promise:

When it's love you give
- I'll be a man of good faith
Then in love you live
- I'll make a stand
I won't break
- I'll be the rock you can build on, be there when you're old, to have & to hold.
When there's love inside
- I swear I'll always be strong
Then there's a reason why
- I'll prove to you we belong
I'll be the wall that protects you from the wind and the rain
- From the hurt and pain.

The Woman's Word:

When it's love you make
- U'll be the fire in my night
Then it's love you take
- U will defend, U will fight
U'll be there when I need you, when honor's at stake,
- This vow you will make

Don't lay my love to rest
- Cause you can stand up to my test
We got everything and more than we had planned
- More than the rivers, that run the land.
Honey, we've got it all in our hands.

So, If we can put it together, this is how it should be:

Let's make it all for one, and all for love. Let the one you hold, be the one you want; the one you need cause when it's all for one, it's one for all. When there's someone that one should know, then just let your feelings show and make it all for one and all for love.

Apr 6, 2009

Speed Kills, SQUEEZE In!!!

Ever wondered why is sea, so turbulent and sky, so calm? Why is rose red and the grass green? It's a funny thing but thoughts like these used to come to me when I was a kid. Sitting on the hills, on my way to school, I used to think about what everything in creation meant. I always felt that it was all an illustration of something, everything said something.

There is a lot that we miss to look at and appreciate, when in a hurry. And there is hardly any thing that can be enjoyed in a hurry. Not a glass of wine, a walk, a talk, a ride, a view, a meal or even a kiss. God is hardly, ever in a hurry. It takes him time to create a tree, a flower, the sunset, a blade of grass or even the li'l angels.

That's why there is a need to squeeze. Don't jerk or else, you'll miss some thing and missing the mark of God, is a sin!!! Speed kills. Haste makes waste. Patience takes faith. If you're in a hurry, you lose things, forget stuff and wear out, much earlier.
- You burn yourself, brutally.
- You may live it up but you might not be able to live it out.
- You may marry in haste but repent at leisure!
- You may save a minute, but lose a life!
- You may be penny wise but pound foolish.

If you slow, you may not get there the first but at least, you get there. Better late that never; better safe than sorry! If you stop to look before you leap, you may not have to leap at all. Remember, a miss is as good as a mile. It takes time, to aim straight.

How It Feels to be, when you're with me......

In your eyes I am anything you want me to be
When I feel the sun, I know we are both one
In the parks, where we walk.......
I hear birds sing and listen to angels as they talk

In your heart I will always be
Because you are a part of me
I'll keep a smile upon my face
I feel beautiful, when in your embrace
Keep me in your arms....
I know you'll always, shield me from harm

In your eyes I can see the stars
When I look at the moon, I watch it shine
All my life I will feel your strength
Forever is a long long time.......
Close your eyes, gimme your heart and soul
I will hold on and never let you go

You love me, I do not have to pretend
You are the one I'll be with until the world does end
In your eyes, I find peace of mind
You kiss me with such tender care
In your eyes I know you want to marry me
Love like ours is so very rare

Take me over the rainbows
Into the clouds, and through the trees
For there is no one else
I would ever need........
In your eyes, I stand out in a crowd
And "I Love You", I can say it loud.

What If, the Love Isn't Enough???

Walking away from the one who you love is one of the hardest things to do. Sometimes even love isn't enough, to assure a future you'd dreamed would come true. When you knew it just isn't going to work out, you need to think of your heart. Do you stay with the one who you love, until eventually everything just falls apart? Or do you walk away while you still can and try avoid some of the emotional pain, when you know that no matter what you want, the one who you love just doesn't want the same?

If the love they have for you just isn't enough, for them to want you above everything else, the time comes when you have to make a decision....When you need to start thinking of yourself. It pains if you stay in, knowing that in the end you will lose the one who you love....... Just remember, if someone from your past couldn't make it to your future, there has to be a reason!!!

Mar 19, 2009

Have you ever Loved???

“Have you ever been in love?" Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.... It opens up your heart which means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you. And then one fine day, one stupid person, no different from us wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you... although, they never asked for it. Next, they do something dumb one day and then your life isn't your own, anymore.......... Love takes hostages. It gets inside you!!! It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts, it kills and just sucks the life out of the most lively people around. Not just in your imaginations........ Not just in your thoughts........ It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

They, who say that love is blind are lamely wrong . On the contrary, nothing - not even the smallest detail - escapes the eyes, one sees everything in the loved one, notices everything, but melts it all into one flame with the great and simple: "I love you.”

Why does that happen? Why is it so? Why do we love? Why can't we just live without it? If all that it ends in, is Pain and Loneliness........ I simply, don't know why???

And then they say, "LOVE IS ABOUT FACING YOUR BIGGEST FEARS" What fears are we talking about here?

Mar 5, 2009


For some reason, the moon is shying away
For some reason, they don't keep me at bay
For some reason, dreams seem to be more beautiful
For some reason, nothing seems more faithful.......

For the last few weeks, I have been missing you so much
For a few miles, I walk alone and then, I feel you around
For a few days, I have not seen the sun, up above in the sky
For some nights, the moonlight was dim, like it's busy making love

For ages, I feel I have been waiting all alone............
For ever, I see you far and I keep trying, to get you home
For years, I have felt this pain and misery, at par
And now, I just wish I could have you here, at the bar
So I could sip you in, with every gulp of the red wine
And let you dwell around my heart, like you're my spine
So that you never dare to leave me like this and go away......
And allow me to moan, every passing night and day.............

Feb 28, 2009

Emotional Learning

For some reason, there are times when we choose to learn our way. We live in denial, we disregard the experiences that others share and we tend to see vice behind each li'l piece of advice. Seems like the entire universe is conspiring against us and we'd be trapped, any day....... Most of us, live with it day in and day out and assume this, to be their real world where everything would be just perfect. Is it really what we feel and see? Probably not, until we are emotionally paralyzed and we fail to strike the balance between perceptions and existence.

This is where the 'Learning' comes to the frontier of emotional turbulence. All of us, at one point or other feel the need for 'emotional learning' and acclimatization. Emotional learning demands that we strip off, layer by layer, the false and limiting beliefs that our social set up has taught us.

One of the many limiting beliefs says “The past is history, the future’s mystery and the present is a gift – that’s why it’s called the present.” Well, I'd never deny that the present is a special gift. Equally, it is our own personal parcel and we need to pull off a fair few layers before we see and appreciate that gift.

The rest of the phrase is more problematic. Yes, the past is history, although it only becomes history when we consign it to history and we do that only when, we no longer need to keep it in our life to justify our existence, today. This happens when we allow ourselves to see all that is valuable about us and so no longer experience the past as our only badge of honor. But is the future really a mystery? It’s the rare, gifted person who can foresee the future, admittedly. Yet almost everyone thinks as if they could foresee the future. What they foresee, or more correctly expect, is generally more of the same. More bad stuff......... Either more of what they have already experienced, or the bad stuff that other people have, helpfully, told them about! Most people cannot predict events, especially major events, because they lack information. But then, they can play an active part in shaping their own future.

The reason for doing so is that visualizing and believing that you can have good things in your life, just as many good things as anybody else, is something that abused women stop doing. If they ever really started............

Never underestimate the abusive intelligence. It is geared to break your spirit and your dreams. An abuser carefully programs into you the belief that you can never have the things that are available to others – except through him. We all know that script. Reduced to its essence it goes essentially - ‘without me, you will be an outcast. You’ll eke out a wretched existence in a cave somewhere, coated in mud, dressed in rags, scratching around in the dry earth for roots to eat.” And trust me, it’s powerful stuff. It erodes your self-worth. It sounds more and more convincing the more you hear it. And you stop dreaming and visualizing the healthy, available, positive things you deserve. It impairs you and your ability to visualize or the habit? What is the sense in not visualizing? What do you get by staying within the old destructive beliefs?

Absolutely nothing.............. Break the shell and get out of it, the moment you know its paralyzing you and imparing your judgements!!!!

But you may find visualizing difficult. Happily, human beings are at the top of the evolutionary tree. Unlike other animals we can change our responses to situations. In my experience, abused women may well carry on responding in the same way to the difficulties of an abusive relationship. But this only happens until they learn that there are other ways available to them. That revealation changes their beliefs and behaviours. And this, in turn, changes their life......... "Visualizing" what you desire – as opposed to what you really, really don’t want more of - is an extremely powerful tool for getting what you want.

Feb 6, 2009

I see you my "ANGEL"

I see you my Angel, in my Mom
When she dresses me and my tresses
And treats me like her li'l princess
When she adores me like her cutie doll
And for those, trying to catch a glimpse of me
She keeps away the evil eye, with a dot from her Kohl

I see you in my Grandma
When she loves me without being asked for
When she seconds me on everything and defends me, every hour
And when she makes me yummy dishes as I'm starving to death
And when she is the only one to bail me out, in times of distress

I see you in my Dad
Who stands tall to trust me, without any evidence
Who loves me equally in smiles and pain
Who is proud to have me as his daughter
And is always all set to chatter

I see you in my Lover
When he behaves insane
And pours love like rain
And accepts me the way I am
When he stands by me in moments of pain
When he is there to care, without any claims

I see you in my Brother
When he misses me and calls me to say that
When he adores me and shouts it loud that I'm his sister
When he fights with me and calls back to say, I'm sorry
When he shares with me, each and every story
When he comes to me, in times of need and doubts
When he seeks my blessings and asks for advice
When he respects me and defends me, in vice

I saw you in my pets "Pepsi" and "Alex"
When they would jump over and snuggle around me
When they would run and hide themselves behind me
When they would want to play with me, through the day
And be restless, when they saw me leaving
And they would feel sorry to see me crying
And sit beside to lick me, till I'm back smiling

I saw you in my Mentors
Who taught me the wisdom of life and guided me through
Who walked before me, so they could share their experiences
And save me from all the odds and grievances
Who spared their time, to sit and talk to me
Who kept an eye on me, to tell if I'm taking to the right paths
And make me feel like the "Teacher's Pet", always
Who believed me more than I could ever do,
Who supported me with all that I ever wanted to do

I have been feeling you, in the Idols I worship
When they patiently listen to me, day in and day out
When they always guide silently, without letting me know, they're around
When they shower their blessings, even when I missed on asking
When they bless me in disguise and save me from malice
When they help me see through and know what to do
When they make me feel their presence, when I'm broken and low

If you're the messengers, or my saviors
The guardian angels or the heaven's fairies
I am clueless about your origin
And where from you descended.....
Whether you are unseen or unfelt
And if you're overrated or underestimated
If you're a figure or the speech
If you're unknown and out of reach

All, I know and I care to know is
I have you by my side, always
I know you are my ANGELS
And you'll keep me protected, any day
I see you my ANGEL
And I wish to be with you, always..........

Feb 5, 2009

I'm Addicted!!!

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. But I can’t stop crying since you left……..and it seems I’ll never have someone like you ever again. You entered my life as a dream, the dream that never came true. The irony is I say I have moved on in life and I have tried my best but you’re the only one, I seek in every single man in my life……your absolute, flawless, unconditional, endless love which needed none other than me and no reason to love me. Why the hell you loved me beyond what could be related? Why couldn’t you be just another dog, another guy who keeps leching at every other girl? And why did you leave me to myself when you knew there is no replacement for you. Will I ever be able to love and move out of you? I just have all the questions and blanks in my life with no hints, to decide the flow or seek help.

I hate this…. But as they say, I can’t even grieve because you’re the best that I could ever have. I am diseased and crippled; I just can’t do without your love……..I feel so helpless. I got to know it pretty late that I was addicted to you. You always knew it though, I wonder how???

Jan 28, 2009

None of that is FuNNY to ME!

It's funny how HELLO is always
accompanied with GOODBYE.
It's funny how GOOD Memories
can start to make you CRY.
It's funny how FOREVER
never seems to Really LAST.
It's funny how much you'd LOOSE
if you forgot about your PAST.
It's funny how "FRIENDS" can just
LEAVE you when you're down.
It's funny how when you NEED someone
they're NEVER around.
It's funny how people CHANGE
and think they're so much BETTER.
It's funny how many LIES
can be packed in one "LOVE LETTER".
It's funny how people FORGIVE
even though they can't FORGET.
It's funny how one 'NIGHT'
can contain so much of REGRET.
It's funny how ironic LIFE turns out to be
but the funniest part of ALL,
is that none of that is FUNNY to ME.

My Prologue to 'What women really want?'

A Wise Woman Kisses, But doesn't LOVE
Listens But doesn't Believe
Leaves Before she is LEFT

"Marilyn Monroe"

The quote is from none other than the 50's sex goddess, the super glamorous Hollywood actor with alluring beauty. Well, the first thought that flashed through my head on reading this was 'If someone as evolved as her, thought on those lines, there surely has to be some meaning to it and there has to be, a relating incident'. The world as always has been marveled at the thought of decoding 'What goes inside a woman's mind?'

And this is how I started on my journey, of trying to look inside me and million other women, like me. Marilyn Monroe's cause was the closest since she was a star icon who worked her way to stardom and glory. What could have been a better starting point? So, I always had the gut feeling that people like her can never be maligned and always speak their mind out. From what her first love revered her as, she was a 'sweet, generous and religious girl'. What could have been that incidence or may be a series of incidences that brought this sweet and simple orphan girl from rugs to riches and later to a mental institution, on account of the psychological problems she had?

She belongs to the era when women were eyed as creatures that need to be cared for and controlled by the men in their lives. Yet she struggled, survived and gave many a men chase for their fortunes.

Somewhere, sometime she said "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it." She knew it clear, how men in 60s thought and perceived women, never more than object of desires to be cared and caged.

She once said "He [Arthur Miller] wouldn't have married me if I had been nothing but a dumb blonde."

Every statement that she made speaks volume about her. Be it cosmetology, relationships, personality, men or her work.

Another wonderful quote from her goes like this "I want to grow old without face lifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made." What could better exemplify a strong persona than having the courage to be loyal, to what you were and would always be.

Another beauty legend from the past who inspires me to think through and shuffle through the layers of sheets that snuggle comfortably around a woman's heart is 'Audrey Hepburn'. She quoted:

I believe in PINK.
I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing, kissing a lot.
I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
I believe that HAPPY girls are the PRETTIEST girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in MIRACLES.

What else could be told of women and what goes inside her head? I strongly believe, women need individuality, respect, equality just like men do and they prefer speaking their heart out, until and unless they fear they could be offending someone, they care for. Women have the will power and strength that can never be shattered, no matter what. She simply wants to be appreciated for what she is and what she wants to be. She needs someone she can confide in and someone who can trust her enough, so as not to even consider cheating or hiding even a simple incident. She is just too simple, to be looked through and thought of. Men just need a heart to get to know her but most of them, end up putting their brains to all the work. She stands like a pillar, tall and strong and always looks at the rosy side of incidences. She is optimistic to the core. She is always pretty in her own way, child like, pristine and pure. That's why its said that "Women are the God's best creation"

Jan 27, 2009

My Passionate Encounter with the 'Paranormal'

The rain came pouring down in soft sheets outside. Tucking my iPod under my T-shirt, I pushed open the door and stepped outside. The rain brushed my face gently, and I set off into the darkness, walking slowly, the music of my iPod filling my head. I don't know why but for some reasons, the darkness of woods and the deserted streets have always intrigued me, to the point that at times - I loose sense of direction and just immerse myself in a solitary walk that ends nowhere. I need to be forced to stop and realize that I have come far, far away and I don't even know my way back home.

Just wanted to pen down one such incident that was intensely intoxicating.....
The earth smelt fresh, and the mud in the distance smelt tempting. Any sight of humans for a while felt devious and yet they didn't stray from their path. Actually, why would they? I inhabit a decently populated city. Suddenly the wind wiped around me, changing direction, and the most tantalizing scent enveloped me. For a while, I was smitten, shuddered and froze. My head turned towards the direction of the wind. I encountered a human, not so very like humans.... I could feel he was most pious creature ever and I couldn't even dare to touch and see. I dreaded soiling him, his aura and the charm. He was thirsty, and more so, impossible to resist. I couldn't help but follow him, just expecting he would walk to me or else wait for me, to join him. He changed path, the direction and within a few minutes he was on the outskirts of a small clearing.

The darkest woods I had ever seen and there was a single human look alike, sitting in the center and all drenched in the rain. I stopped listening to my iPod, rather I had to. I was scared, smitten yet mesmerized. This was too easy..... had to happen. I had lost all self control and I felt possessed. I had been walking behind a man, I had never known. I was chasing a man who was just next to a spell, right before me but not so real. He was seemingly, from a different world. And then he leaped forward to take me. And the next moment, I froze and I was gasping for breath.... but I still couldn't take my eyes off him.

'No' he called softly. 'Why?' I murmured through my clenched lips.
'Stop looking at me like that' he replied turning his face away. But I was taken over, bewitched and lost in his aura.... I could see his lips moving and his eyes speaking but didn't bother to listen. I was captured and insinuated by something, so irrational and disjointed about him. After a while, he gave in to my pervert persistence. He walked over to me and placing his hands, on my cheek leaned over. That was one moment and this is one....

All I remember is that I shuddered and convulsed. Far away in the distance, I heard someone laugh and say, 'You got her scared, after all. She doesn't like you'. And the next moment, I muttered something I didn't think through 'Yes, I'm scared of loosing you'. Such unexplained connection with a stranger and someone, who is so weird to be called a human? I had no answers, I was dumb and speechless. All I know is that I just couldn't afford to miss the last glance of him. I wanted to see him until he disappeared in the woods, exactly the way he had appeared out of nowhere. My heart went crazy. I could see his eyes in the dark. They were glistening black, and his sensuous face was twisted into a snarl. A voice came from behind, barely audible through the rain. My iPod had been thrown across the grass and was now being ruined. A lady clad in pristine white gown, stepped up from behind him, then bent down and rested her palm on my cheek. Her pawn was icy cold and pain racked through my body, although I could sense it wasn't from her. 'She doesn't like you' the girl stated teasingly. For some reason I realized that it was the girl whom I could hear in the distance, a while back and the man knew it too. Just when, I was trying to recollect the series of incidences that happened, I heard him say 'Forgive me maiden, I have to do this'. And the next moment, I felt pain rushing through my body. I spent the next few days in a daze, where all I felt was mind numbing pain. The whole time hot, white raw pain was blasting through my body. I felt like someone had thrown me into a furnace, and all my flesh was slowly being burnt away. The pain eventually faded, and I became aware of my surroundings. I sat up..... I was in a small stone room, that looked very much like a cell. I wondered why did he hurt me when all this while, i couldn't stop admiring his charm and adoring his persona and the aura that cocooned him.

Suddenly the door slammed open and a man strolled in, with two others accomplices. 'So, you're awake then?' he asked me. I nodded, too frightened to speak. His skin was pale and he was utterly enigmatic. Dressed in a long black cloak that made his skin look paler, he started walking towards me. He stood very close to me and knelt down.

He placed his hand on my arm, and stared at me for a long time. Eventually he stood up. 'She seems to remember nothing' he stated, 'Bring her back to her senses'. Then left. Just then, one of his accomplices spoke up 'Let me take care of her'. The other accomplice nodded and left. As he stepped forward, my eyes lost sense of vision. It was him, I recognized him as the one who I had taken a liking to. He brought me to a place above ground, and sighed and turned to me. 'This was the only way to be united with you again, and forever.' he said in a pale voice. 'I had to hurt you to free you from all the misery and pain and keep you sheltered with me, always.' he went on saying and then after taking a deep breath, he took a brief pause and smiled at me. Seems like this was the glance, I had been longing for ever since my eyes caught him in those dark and dreaded woods. His enigma had quadrupled with that soothing smile on his lips and the twinkle in his eyes. I knew he likes me too but when did it all start. Has he been knowing me since ever? Why don't I seem to remember? Pain ripped through my legs and I reached for his forehead. I had to kiss him and tell him that I know, there is something but he needs to take me through all of it, to help me recall everything and accept him, the way he expected.

And the next moment, I pushed him away and ran. I had just looked down at the rain water, filling a hole in that stone cell. I couldn't see any reflections....reflections of me, reflections of him. I remember reading way back that spirits and vampires don't have reflections. They don't form images and can never be captured by lenses. What was it? He leaped after me, catching me before I could get anywhere. I fell into a hole and lay there dazed, as he picked me up and threw me into a small ravine, covering me with leaves. He calmed me and was trying to say something, I could never believe. He meant 'I am free of all the misery and pain and I have a better dwelling place now' and that he will always be around. Didn't that mean that I was dead? I was no longer a part of the human race whom I dreaded at times. The next moment, I closed my eyes to reassure myself that I was not dreaming and I woke up, on my bed covered beneath the sheets with the rain still pouring down but the darkness had disappeared. It was dawn and I could hear the birds chirping, outside my window. I ran to get hold of a mirror and what I saw will always remain a mystery - 'My reflection in the mirror was none other than he, himself'. He smiled with deserted and lonely eyes and said, 'I couldn't see you shattered, so had to be here with you, inside you and always by your side'.

Till date, I just wonder if it was my wandering imagination or else, a dream or may be a nightmare. I have no clues, no cues and no one who was a witness to all that, happened that rainy night. And till date, I am living with the thought that it was just a bygone state of my hyper-imaginative mind! Or it could have been a paranormal incidence that I happened to encounter.